Friday, November 16, 2012

It's been how long!?!?!

This is my 3rd time to try to write this.  Twice it has been deleted by my hitting the backspace button or the undo button and well, it would just disappear and I couldn't get back.  So, I'm now afraid that all my poetic license has been spent!! So, my's been a year...a long  year and intense instant gratification at the beginning, followed by little spurts of reinforcement, and then long long dry spell (stalls).  Somehow in the middle of all that you have to find a way to stay positive about it.  I've found a group on FB who has been super supportive!  That's been very nice.  I have wonderful friends who has cheered me on....split food with me...encouraged me to get moving..the whole 9 yards!  Do I still have a long way to go, heck yes!  I go see my surgeon next week, so I'm anxious to hear what his goal for me and how off I am in what my goal for me is!  I've given away about 17 bags of clothes in a year.  Some came from people who had had the surgery and were just going through their closets.  Some of the clothes worked well and others...not so it just worked...give away before you can receive!

When I found this on FB tonight I knew that I had to integrate this in! I had to.  It's so true.  One year.  Goodness what a difference a year can make.  I shock myself when i can put on my letter jacket and it buttons! I am amazed that I can now ride in an airplane and not need the seat belt adaptor and I can ACTUALLY put my tray table down! That's huge! Those were the two things I hated the most about flying! I always prayed no one was sitting next to me, so I could use their tray table!!!  So, yea, I'm different, my friend Starr said when she met me in late November last year, "You'll be the same you...just with different geography."  Oh wow is that a true statement.  I've lost an Edna!  Edna is one of the music therapists in Keller and she's teeny when I hit 100 lbs lost...she came up to me, smiled and said, "'ve lost an Edna!!"  Sure enough...that certainly puts things into perspective!!!  Thanks Miss Edna!!

I have a lot of stories like this...alot!  People at work have been so supportive! I'll go visit a campus and teacher's wont' recognize me. Literally...look past me.  I just keep hearing "same you...different geography!"  'Tis true and I'm so OK with that!!

I like to think that I've held it together, that I've stayed emotionally strong.  I hide it well my friends...I hide it well.  It was very easy for a while because I just didn't date.  It was easier.  I didn't want to be that girl that dumped someone after I'd love all the weight.  My weight has always been an issue when it comes to relationships.  I'd said for years, this is me, like me like this or don't like me at all.  People liked me.  This was almost reason enough for me to NOT have the surgery, but I worked through it and now I'm working through other dating issues.  It's harder for me to think someone would be interested in me now. I haven't quite pinned down why now would be any different, but I do.  I look around the room not and I'm the size of the average girl.  What I know is that this community is small enough that there are folks out there who are judging or who are making assumptions...and this is what makes me crazy.  Now's about the time I just want to pick up and move somewhere else.  Start over where no one knows my story unless I tell them...which I probably will.  This is the place where I think I might need some therapy to get through this.  Either therapy or some very effective and resilient friends...or a great aunt who is a therapist and wouldn't mind chatting a couple of times a week on the phone! :o)  I'll get through this hiccup....I won't let it stop me....I've come too far.  I'm proud of myself.  It has NOT been easy.  If there is anyone reading this who thinks that people who have weight loss surgery have the easy way out, wrong.  You are so wrong. It's not easy.  There's some sort of struggle every day.  This head of mine is very full....and while many of you are thinking...oh Callaway...that's just you, nope...I've talked to other weight loss surgery patients and the story rings the same.  But I got this...I'll take it one step at a by one...and I'll get there!  I'll find that spot where I think, "yea...this is the me I was meant to be!"  I'll know and when I know, trust me you'll know!!! It's doubt about it!

So, I want to leave with 4 pictures starting in October 2011 and ending in October 2012.  This is my friend Christopher in the pic with me.  I've known Christopher since he was 2...he's like family to me.  He comes with his family to each Autism Family Celebration at the Dallas Museum of Art.  I knew I'd taken pictures, but it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago that I realized I had a year's worth of pictures with my little man...who is now a big man!  I'm going to admit...this is hard for me to post.  It's hard for me to see that picture in October 11.  Very hard....and even harder to let other people see it.  Most people who see it say, "No way...I never saw you look like that!"  I appreciate perception, but the reality here is that I had a problem.  That's hard to admit.  So, I'm going Callaway RAW and sharing this with you here!  Thanks Christopher and to his Mom Shelby for letting me keep him in the pics.  He was a part of it!

The last thing I'm going to add is a video by my sweet friend Elizabeth Wills.  I know when she wrote this song it had nothing to do with  me.  It was way before we met...but what she has talked about at shows is that this song is not about heading out of town to meet someone's about being so excited to be with yourself and get to that place with yourself and how you will get there one by mile by one mile!  The visions I have of her in this song are of her driving her car...headed down the highway.  The way I see it is walking around the park and the pond...mile by mile.  Her line in the song says "I'll knock these miles off one by one."  My version says "I'll knock these pounds off one by one!"  And that's what I'm doing! ONE by ONE!  I'll get there...I promise I'll get there.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have stood by me.  You've encouraged me without pressure.  You've ensured me.  You've loved me.  You've walked with me.  You've shared food with me because  a whole meal is WAY too much!  You've been compassionate to know when I needed a shoulder and when I needed a swift kick in the derrière!   All of this I have needed and i appreciate you. Know that. Thank you, thank you, thank you.  LOVE!