A Year!?!?!

Wow...it's been a year since I last blogged! It's a funny thing when life happens.  Real funny.  Funny good, real good!  I'm happier than I've ever been and I'm soooooo close to finishing this PhD.  I should be writing right now, but I'm writing this instead.  On the weightloss front, I've still lost the weight of an average sized adult.  I know what my numbers are and I have friends who are only 20 lbs less than me, but I'll be honest, I still feel like I'm 100 lbs more.  Obviously I KNOW my weight is well within a reasonably healthy amount and when I told my surgeon that I wanted to lose another 30 lbs, his comment was "I don't know where you'd lose it from." Now THAT was music to my ears and makes this extra 20-30 lbs I feel like I'm "hanging onto" a little better.  I need to have plastic surgery to remove all this "left over!"  NEED.  I have sworn that I won't have any surgery in 2014, considering I met my out of pocket last year (ankle surgery in January and herniated disc repair in my neck in August).  However, I'd make an allowance for reconstructive surgery.  It won't be fun.  It actually scares me.  But it NEEDS to happen.  After being as overweight as I was, you go into surgery knowing that when the weight is gone, there will be "leftovers."  But, I don't think until your'e really there, you understand the power of it.  It's hard knowing how much I've lost that I still can't wear the next size down of pants, purely because of the leftovers.  Very hard.  It's hard knowing that a shirt won't fit because of the leftovers on your arms.  Sucks.  It's also very expensive...the surgery.  $10,000 at least.  Who has that kind of money?  I think even if I saved it up it would take me years and years and years.  I don't want to wait years and years and years.  I can't.  It's hard.  Hard on the psyche.  I suppose I could start wearing one of those "suck 'em ups" to make it "look" a little differently, but who really likes to wear those.  I said, going into this, that it is what it is and who cares really.  That's what I tried to convince myself, but every time I get out of the shower...I care.  Big sigh.  It is what it is...and unless I win the lottery, I suppose it will be this way, for a long time.  I'm lucky to have someone who loves me...in spite of the leftovers.  Loves me as the person I am...and really does believe "it is what it is."  I'm thankful for that, and I suppose I really just need to start working on that myself.  Yep.  It is what it is. Yep.

Pushed...

Blogging.  I want to blog, but, well, sometimes my blog gets clogged.  No, this isn't going to turn into a Dr. Seuss story, though I'm certain I could make it so! :o)  I always have this thought...Ohhhhh I need to blog about that...well, then I forget about it.  Once it's gone, it's not likely to come back, which is not really an effect of the WLS, rather than that cranky old brain surgery and that fibromyalgia! By gones...it is what it is, so tonight, I'm just going to write.  I'm supposed to be grading, judging, commenting, on the works of undergraduates who are eager and ready for the semester to be finished.  I've graded some...more than in a while...so I'm taking a break to just blog.  Doesn't that word sound almost cathartic...blog.  In that context is sounds very dark...I'm gonna just blog.  But, it can very easily take a turn, oh my gosh...tonight...I'm going to blog!  In this context it's climactic...or anticlimactic, depending on how much you enjoy the blog...blog! 

So, my latest news is similar to my last latest news. I'm stuck.  I'm not gaining, I'm not losing. I'm stuck.  In the WLS world, we call this a stall.  There are strategies to get you OUT of the stall.

http://www.5daypouchtest.com/

Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.  I've worked through some of them on my own, just powering through and I've worked through some of the with that 5daypouchtest, and others, well, I just let my body take over and do what it was supposed to do.  I've heard so many successful women say, "all I did was eat well...I didn't do any of that exercise!"  Well, now, while walking a 5K 3-4 times a week may not be running a marathon, it's movement for me!  Surely my body must be reacting somehow!?!?!  I've entertained the thought of a trainer, then I realize 2 things. 1. His goal, while getting me into the best shape of my life, is to hurt me...you can't convince me that's not his goal! 2. He's very proud of himself with his $60/hour! Ugh! I couldn't get that for doing private therapy for a child with autism these days! So yea, I'm a little bitter about that.  Something needs to change though.  I'm tinkering with the idea of yoga.  Right now my neck and shoulders hurt so bad, I can't imagine stretching out a bit in yoga could hurt me anymore than I already do.  But something's gotta give. Just for kicks I went and looked at some of the exercise videos on YouTube. They made me hurt just watching! I don't want anyone to read this and think that I'm not willing to do the work, but, I hurt all the time and any extra stress on the body certainly can't be good for my body...or for my head. Hurting isn't fun.

I've finally hit the spot when people are starting to question me about my weight and weight loss.  Have you lost enough? How much more do you need to lose? Are you gaining a little back? Is your face filling out? Did you eat too much this weekend? Are you going to lose if you eat that? Knowing that these questions were asked out of fear, I answered them honestly, with a touch of sarcasm.  But I'll tell you, it hurt my feelings.  It hurt my feelings in ways that got me to where I was when this all started.  I wanted to go and eat.  You want my face to be full? Oh I can fix that!  You think I ate too much today...watch out for tomorrow!  CLEARLY not the way to handle it and not the way that I did handle it, but it took me back to that place.  It took me back to the years and years and "stuff" I dealt with before surgery, before I even DREAMED of surgery.  It made me mad and sad...and reminded me that despite the fact that "I'm the strong one," which I am..."I'm the strong one"...I'm still a fragile butterfly.  Those who know me well know this.  So, remember, before those words come out of your mouth, whether it's to me or to any other child, adult, family member, who is constantly struggling with their weight, know that the "strong one" has a "fragile butterfly" frame.

On another note, I had a stomach virus yesterday...started at 4:00 A.M.  by 10:00 a.m. I'd lost 3 lbs.  This morning, I'd lost 5!  Now, I was miserable and I'm paying very close attention to what I put in my mouth, because the LAST thing I wanna do is gain them back.  I'm so close to another milestone number, which gets me about 40lbs away from my goal.  How crazy is that!?!? Woo woo woo! 

So, this rambling, rather disconnected blog...or blog! is essentially about motivation and airing your feelings! I'm going to leave with one quote  worth reading...printing out...and re-reading! 

...and another video from the incomparable Elizabeth Wills...totally embraces that even in all this, there is peace!

It's been how long!?!?!

This is my 3rd time to try to write this.  Twice it has been deleted by my hitting the backspace button or the undo button and well, it would just disappear and I couldn't get back.  So, I'm now afraid that all my poetic license has been spent!! So, my journey...it's been a year...a long  year and intense instant gratification at the beginning, followed by little spurts of reinforcement, and then long long dry spell (stalls).  Somehow in the middle of all that you have to find a way to stay positive about it.  I've found a group on FB who has been super supportive!  That's been very nice.  I have wonderful friends who has cheered me on....split food with me...encouraged me to get moving..the whole 9 yards!  Do I still have a long way to go, heck yes!  I go see my surgeon next week, so I'm anxious to hear what his goal for me and how off I am in what my goal for me is!  I've given away about 17 bags of clothes in a year.  Some came from people who had had the surgery and were just going through their closets.  Some of the clothes worked well and others...not so much...so it just worked...give away before you can receive!

When I found this on FB tonight I knew that I had to integrate this in! I had to.  It's so true.  One year.  Goodness what a difference a year can make.  I shock myself when i can put on my letter jacket and it buttons! I am amazed that I can now ride in an airplane and not need the seat belt adaptor and I can ACTUALLY put my tray table down! That's huge! Those were the two things I hated the most about flying! I always prayed no one was sitting next to me, so I could use their tray table!!!  So, yea, I'm different, my friend Starr said when she met me in late November last year, "You'll be the same you...just with different geography."  Oh wow is that a true statement.  I've lost an Edna!  Edna is one of the music therapists in Keller and she's teeny tiny....so when I hit 100 lbs lost...she came up to me, smiled and said, "Stacey...you've lost an Edna!!"  Sure enough...that certainly puts things into perspective!!!  Thanks Miss Edna!!

I have a lot of stories like this...alot!  People at work have been so supportive! I'll go visit a campus and teacher's wont' recognize me. Literally...look past me.  I just keep hearing "same you...different geography!"  'Tis true and I'm so OK with that!!

I like to think that I've held it together, that I've stayed emotionally strong.  I hide it well my friends...I hide it well.  It was very easy for a while because I just didn't date.  It was easier.  I didn't want to be that girl that dumped someone after I'd love all the weight.  My weight has always been an issue when it comes to relationships.  I'd said for years, this is me, like me like this or don't like me at all.  People liked me.  This was almost reason enough for me to NOT have the surgery, but I worked through it and now I'm working through other dating issues.  It's harder for me to think someone would be interested in me now. I haven't quite pinned down why now would be any different, but I do.  I look around the room not and I'm the size of the average girl.  What I know is that this community is small enough that there are folks out there who are judging or who are making assumptions...and this is what makes me crazy.  Now's about the time I just want to pick up and move somewhere else.  Start over where no one knows my story unless I tell them...which I probably will.  This is the place where I think I might need some therapy to get through this.  Either therapy or some very effective and resilient friends...or a great aunt who is a therapist and wouldn't mind chatting a couple of times a week on the phone! :o)  I'll get through this hiccup....I won't let it stop me....I've come too far.  I'm proud of myself.  It has NOT been easy.  If there is anyone reading this who thinks that people who have weight loss surgery have the easy way out, wrong.  You are so wrong. It's not easy.  There's some sort of struggle every day.  This head of mine is very full....and while many of you are thinking...oh Callaway...that's just you, nope...I've talked to other weight loss surgery patients and the story rings the same.  But I got this...I'll take it one step at a time...one by one...and I'll get there!  I'll find that spot where I think, "yea...this is the me I was meant to be!"  I'll know and when I know, trust me you'll know!!! It's coming...no doubt about it!

So, I want to leave with 4 pictures starting in October 2011 and ending in October 2012.  This is my friend Christopher in the pic with me.  I've known Christopher since he was 2...he's like family to me.  He comes with his family to each Autism Family Celebration at the Dallas Museum of Art.  I knew I'd taken pictures, but it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago that I realized I had a year's worth of pictures with my little man...who is now a big man!  I'm going to admit...this is hard for me to post.  It's hard for me to see that picture in October 11.  Very hard....and even harder to let other people see it.  Most people who see it say, "No way...I never saw you look like that!"  I appreciate perception, but the reality here is that I had a problem.  That's hard to admit.  So, I'm going Callaway RAW and sharing this with you here!  Thanks Christopher and to his Mom Shelby for letting me keep him in the pics.  He was a part of it!

The last thing I'm going to add is a video by my sweet friend Elizabeth Wills.  I know when she wrote this song it had nothing to do with  me.  It was way before we met...but what she has talked about at shows is that this song is not about heading out of town to meet someone else...it's about being so excited to be with yourself and get to that place with yourself and how you will get there one by one...one mile by one mile!  The visions I have of her in this song are of her driving her car...headed down the highway.  The way I see it is walking around the park and the pond...mile by mile.  Her line in the song says "I'll knock these miles off one by one."  My version says "I'll knock these pounds off one by one!"  And that's what I'm doing! ONE by ONE!  I'll get there...I promise I'll get there.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have stood by me.  You've encouraged me without pressure.  You've ensured me.  You've loved me.  You've walked with me.  You've shared food with me because  a whole meal is WAY too much!  You've been compassionate to know when I needed a shoulder and when I needed a swift kick in the derrière!   All of this I have needed and i appreciate you. Know that. Thank you, thank you, thank you.  LOVE!

It's been a while...

Wow...it looks like I haven't posted since July! JULY! I think I need to apologize...to myself really.  When the weight was falling off I was so excited to write...it was "theraputic" and what I WANTED to do! But now, now that things are slowing down, you think I'd really need to be writing for therapy.  Don't get me wrong...I'm happy, I'm ecstatic...I'm down 127 lbs! Yes, you read that right! 127 lbs!  I'm sure there is someone out there who is doing the math to try to figure that all out. Do what you will, but I'm down 127 lbs!  I still have some more to lose, but it's exciting!  I'm wearing the same size clothes I was wearing in high school.  I went shopping the other day and was beside myself when I tried on a larger size, then giggled when I had to go back out and get a smaller size!  I'm a little out of control with the tshirts that I can buy anywhere! All those cute and funny tshirts that I've not been able to wear...I can wear them now! It's crazy! I can buy a $4.50 tshirt! Crazy, but fun!  I'm in a bit of a panic that the weather is going to get cold and I don't have any long britches! Every day is a new day for me! It truly is amazing.  I'm doing a 5K on November 17, which is 1 year and a day after my surgery.  My goal...my intention...is to actually run some of it.  I'm not a runner.  Let me repeat that...I am NOT  a runner, but I figure if I can move a little faster, the last of this weight will come off a little faster!  So, I've been doing the Couch 2 5K program and as of right now I can run for 3 minutes in a row...doesn't seem like a lot, but for a non-runner, it's HUGE!  So, on November 17th, Callaway's Crazies (That's my team name) will be walk/run/shuffling through the Color in Motion 5K!  I'm happy about...I'm proud...and I'm about as ready as I'm going to be.

So, yea, the weight hasn't moved as fast.  It's been hard. It was a long hot summer with weight just barely coming off...I was at home half of the day...where the food is, unable to walk/run/shuffle outside (which is my preference) because it was 110 degrees outside.  So it was a slow summer.  I say kudos to the folks who continue to "just lose" the weight even if they don't exercise or "eat right."  I'm not that person.  I played around with the same 5 lbs for weeks...gain, lose, gain, lose. It sucked.  It was not fun at all.  I beat myself up. Daily. But I moved past it.  I would change things up and the weight would trickle off.  It's now October and I've lost about 25 lbs in 4 months.  That's normal.  That's what I keep telling myself.  NORMAL!  It's not going to come off as fast.  I am now that person that I was 3 years ago who was trying to lose weight.  I have to watch what I eat, exercise and make good choices just like anyone else who is struggling with their weight.  I will NOT gain this weight back.  I WILL keep losing.  There is nothing like seeing folks take a double take when they see me at school...or in social situations...and it is followed by "I hardly recognized you!"  Heck yea!  This is the fun part!  I love it!  I love walking into a social situation, looking GOOD, and watching the heads turned.  Don't get me wrong, they turned before, some for the same reason and some for the "whew, that girl is big" reason.  Now, I am confident enough to know why they're looking.  I just smile...sometimes confidently and yet sometimes, coy and shy and wondering why in the world these people would be looking at me...like that!  Big sigh...It's wonderfully complicated!

This picture is of my and Christopher, who I have known for 14 years at the Dallas Museum of Art.  The picture on the left was October 2011 and the picture on the right was October 2012.  WOW!!!!  WOW! 

The next picture is from last August to this August! The night of my 40th Birthday to the night  of my 41st! I was feeling a little sassy on 41..I can own it!  

I'm proud....and I'm looking forward to taking the picture at my Doctor's office of 1 year there to 1 year now!  Its' the visual that makes it all make sense in my head!!!

Thanks for reading...and until next time...whenever I feel moved!! 

The World IS a Roller Coaster!

It has been a long long long time since I've written. Nothing personal, just not much to report.  The weight is still coming off, just at a much slower pace.  I feel GREAT and am very happy!  I've spent this week in San Antonio with Granny and the twins and our friend Noelle.  Here's what I knew going into the trip: 1) Those babies (they're 6 now) are movers and shakers! 2) Noelle is a mover and shaker! 3) It was my job to keep up!  A year ago I could have laughed and not even considered making this trip. Or, I would have driven down here and just hung out at Hotel Noelle (what we call Noelle's fabulous home)!   But not this year...112 lbs down and I was ready to play! Yep, you read it right! It still shocks me to say it, let alone read it...where it is now archived!  For the first time in my life I feel like a normal person. I can shop just about anywhere, I can walk down the street and not feel judged, oh...and most importantly, I can ride a ROLLER COASTER!!!  

After our long morning of shows at Sea World, I told the girls (Granny and my cousin Ashley who was also there with her two boys) that I wanted to at least TRY to ride a coaster.  Now, let me say, I'm not doing this because I love roller coasters.  No way.  I did it because I wanted to know if I fit!  Was I going to be able to close the arm of the coaster, which is a pretty important piece of the puzzle with those coasters. So, Ashley and I waited in a very short line, which is probably a good thing, because I would have likely bailed, then it was our turn.  I had a plan. I was going to go first, that way if either I didn't think I'd fit...or if the 16 year old running the show didn't think I'd fit, I could just shimmy off and no one would be any the wiser.  So we get in, I sit down, and put on the lap belt (like in an airplane) which was too big! Shut up! Then we waited for the little gate thing to come down. Click, click, click....snap! I was in!! Holy cow....this is the point that I realized I was really doing this!  I'm riding this ride!!!!!!!!!  I FIT I FIT I FIT!  There really wasn't much time to reflect on that because we were off and running!  As we began going up the first hill, I looked at Ashley and said, "What was I thinking!!?!!?" She just laughed and off we went.  After what felt like 20 minutes of ups and downs, the ride was over and I was exhilarated.  If I hadn't have had such a bad heat headache from the days festivities, I would have definitely done it again!  I'm ready to hit Six Flags in Dallas folks...who's in??

My other monumental weight related accomplishment was walking through the Natural Bridge Caverns. I've been to this area for years and we've never spent time at these caverns, so I had NO idea what to expect! I guess if I had put some thought into, I might realize that you have to go UNDER ground to get there...which means you will eventually have to walk back UP to the top!  Well, ya know, it wasn't horrible! We weren't moving fast, but a year ago, I'd have never made it back up, or at least without gritching the whole way! This time, I looked at it as exercise and was grateful to have the opportunity to do it! It was a neat day and I think the kids enjoyed it!  There's some crazy looking stuff down there!!!

So, to end the trip, I met my sweet cousin Ashley (actually 2nd cousin, once removed) for dinner/margaritas! I grew up with Ashley when we were little and have kind of lost touch as life happens. I've thoroughly enjoyed my last couple of years and jaunts to San Antonio and getting to spend time with her...and her kiddos!  When I sit with her, there's no question that we're not only family, but friends, and that makes me happy.  Now, I'm going to post this next picture and you'll probably laugh at how in the world there could be any blood relation between the two of us.  I figure it's a very small trickle down effect, but yes, it's there!!!  :o)

Yes, that's right folks...I'm a good head taller than her...at least! I still love her though!!! I have a picture of the two of us from about a year and a half ago...we've both lost weight and I can't wait to get my hands on that to share with her!  I remember thinking in that last picture...oh my. I can't show this to anyone...but this picture!?!? Heck yea! We're a couple of good looking Turbeville blood line!

Last, but certainly not least, I spent the 4th of July in Austin with new friends...and old ones!

I haven't seen Ferrell (on the right) in a good year or so! She's stationed here in San Antonio and saw my FB post! I'm so excited it worked out to get to see her, and meet her friend Blanco! What a treat! And big thanks to our hosts, Stacey and her friends, for allowing 3 almost total strangers to crash their party! It was a great day out in the sun and in keeping with the theme of the blog, I had absolutely NO problem/issues wearing a bathing suit in front of a pool full of strangers! Baby steps, folks...baby steps!

It has been a great week and sadly we're headed home today.  We'll make one quick stop in Austin to see Parker and Finn, then another in N Austin to see our friend Sherry, then it's back to DFW where I'm bound to have some papers to grade, dissertation stuff to organize, and some treadmills to hop back on!

Thanks for listening to be ramble...on and on and on!!

Peace...

~Stacey

6 months!!!

Ok folks...today is my 6 month surgery anniversary! 6 months! It is beyond me that it's been 6 months! Holy cow!!! It's been quite a journey. Exhausting, exciting, exhilarating, and a lot of other ex words I'm sure! I have had great friends and family cheering me along...I've had strangers from FB cheering me along...and I've actually been cheering myself a long, which, I might add, is a new concept. I'm proud. It hasn't been easy. There have certainly been times when there is nothing more that I'd like to do than eat...and eat a lot...because that's how I've managed stress...and celebrated...and coped with sadness...and expressed excitement, for the past 40 years! That's what I do...well, it's what I did. There have been times when I've been real real mad that I couldn't eat more. Mad because I was stressed and I wanted desperately to stress eat! Times that I've wanted nothing more than comfort food...chicken fried steak...just to calm my soul. I could, in theory, eat a small portion of that mammoth chicken friend steak that always shows up on your table, and then you have this look on your face that says "wow...that's a lot of food..but after you've lost as much weight as I have, you have to really weigh in your options for splurges! They're so few and far between, mostly because all it takes is one and you've back up 3 lbs. I've never seen my weight fluctuate and jump back and forth within a day or two. It's frustrating when you stall. Very frustrating. My sweet friend Tammi just listens to me after my morning weigh in (yes, I still weigh in every day...don't tell nutritionist Meghan)! I weight in and then I tell her how I haven't lost anything in 2 weeks. My stomach is the size of a shot glass (kind of...more like one of those small tupperware containers, but shot glass sounds more dramatic) so I don't understand why the weight isn't just falling off of me, all the time!?! I really can't complain. I've lost...drum roll please...shh...everyone quiet...I've lost 105 lbs as of today! It's pretty exciting. The ladies at work have to take a double take when they see me from behind. As my friend Melissa said,"You'll be the same new with new geography!" My geography is definitely new! I mind still thinks I'm in bigger sizes. I still grab for the larger sizes at the store...I still hold up a tshirt and think "There's no way this will fit me!" and it ends up being too big! I can buy tshirts off of Woot.com now! it's crazy folks...crazy I tell ya! I'm still mad at Plano ISD insurance for not letting me do this 10 years ago!! But I'm here now...and it feels good. I still have a long way to go, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel..and that's real exciting!!! Real, real, exciting. ~Stacey

Perceptions and such...

There's a FB page of women only who have had weight loss surgery.  I see some of their pictures 1 and 2 years post op and I think...wow!  I'm very proud of my progress...things are going great...but let me tell you, I can't even IMAGINE myself looking as thin as some of these women do 1 year later!  It's just inconceivable to me!  I suppose it's that mental picture we have in our heads that just doesn't go away.  I guess this is where that whole "you might need some therapy during the process" thing comes from!  I'm not worried...I know that everything that's supposed to happen will happen and everything is happening because it's supposed to!   That said...I'm off for a walk...which has become a part of my daily routine.  I figure if the weight is coming off this slow when I'm walking, how horrible will it be if I wasn't! Right!?!?!